Pizza cutters and webcam covers. Credit card sleeves and survival knives. Bookmarks and ballpoint pens. Toiletry bags and licence plate frames. Polo shirts and unisex quilted vests.

It appears there is no product the feds won’t brand with the logo of a department or emblazon with the motto of a Crown corporation, and no price too high for the privilege. 

“It’s like the government had a contest to see which department could come up with the dumbest way to spend taxpayers’ money and they all won,” Franco Terrazzano, CTF Federal Director, said. “This is what happens when you have too many bureaucrats with too much money and time on their hands.”

That’s the impression created by reading the response to a parliamentary order paper question submitted by Conservative MP John Brassard (Barrie-Innisfil) in May.  

Brassard asked for records of all branded or promotional products purchased by the feds, broken down by department or Crown corporation, from Jan. 1, 2021, to May 2, 2023. 

The Canadian Taxpayers Federation reviewed the 445-page release package – a virtual compendium of frivolous expenditures. 

The Business Development Bank of Canada spent $17,600 on golf balls with its logo.

Invest in Canada shelled out $12,500 on custom-made candles. 

Farm Credit Canada dropped $10,600 on branded air fresheners. 

Across all agencies, nearly $200,000 was spent on branded, reusable bags alone. Somehow, Farm Credit Canada managed to rack up a monthly tote bag bill of about $4,500.

The Windsor-Detroit Bridge spent $990 on “branded candy,” while the Jacques Cartier Bridge dropped $9,700 on custom polo shirts. The document was mum on the reason bridges need to market themselves to the public. 

The Canada Development Investment Corporation wrote a $18,000 cheque for knitted wool socks, while the Business Development Bank of Canada spent $3,700 on branded mints. 

Meanwhile, Destination Canada spent $13,300 on candles and another $9,000 on charcuterie boards; one department spent $1,422 on Rubik’s cubes; and yet another spent $1,797 and $812 on fancy pocketknives and pizza cutters, respectively.

The Department of Justice dropped $3,300 on stress balls, while Export Development Canada ordered a $4,100 climate change trivia card game.

“Is the federal government spending all this money on branding because it’s worried taxpayers don’t know it exists?” Terrazzano said. “Or is there another gang in town trying to take our taxes that the feds think they need to out advertise?”

Want to know just how much money the feds spent on branded items across 28 months? Too bad, Canadian taxpayer. The government either cannot, or will not, say. 

Only one agency – Fisheries and Oceans Canada – could be bothered to tally up its promotional expenditures during the seven weeks they had to respond to the order paper question. 

The fisheries department spent $916,577 on branded merch, an average of about $32,000 per month. But fisheries brass couldn’t provide any details on where the money was going, what was being bought or what value taxpayers received from these purchases.

The same was true for Parks Canada, who racked up hundreds of thousands of dollars in expenditures, but had no details on what companies the orders were placed with and what justification, if any, exist for the purchases. 

The lack of transparency didn’t end there. 

The CBC/Radio-Canada, the RCMP, Environment and Climate Change Canada and Global Affairs all said they either didn’t track promotional purchases or didn’t have the time to provide disclosure.

The Canadian Security Intelligence Services confirmed it purchased promotional material, but declined to say what they bought – because, you know, it’s probably spy stuff. 

Canada’s Museum of Science and Innovation, Telefilm Canada, the Canada Mortgage and Housing Corporation and the Canada Lands Company also refused to say what was bought and how much was spent, citing it as sensitive, third-party info. 

“I’m no expert in espionage, but maybe we shouldn’t be sending spies out into the field with branded CSIS merch,” Terrazzano said. “Prime Minister Justin Trudeau should tell these bureaucrats to knock it off with the card games, charcuterie boards and pizza cutters.”

You can find the 445-page response to the order paper question here.